1
00:00:12,721 --> 00:00:14,889
- [Sean] Here you go, Court. Yeah.
- [Courtney] Thank you.
2
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:16,098
I struck out again.
3
00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:19,810
Every job interview is asking me
about the gap in my résumé.
4
00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:21,812
There's no cool way to say
that I went to rehab
5
00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:23,689
and then spent seven years
chilling with Mom.
6
00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:26,817
Just tell them that you're a former
narcotic tester who values family.
7
00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:28,819
- [laughs]
- I'm serious.
8
00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:30,738
- I wouldn't hire me.
- Don't do that.
9
00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:33,575
I'm rooting for you.
All right? I'm gonna call you later.
10
00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,494
And I'm rooting for ya!
11
00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,913
- You're not rooting for her.
- Of course I am.
12
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,081
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
13
00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:43,627
You said it, like, seven times,
and not one of them was genuine.
14
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,964
You're doing her dirty. [sighs]
15
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:48,673
You're a dirty bird.
16
00:00:48,674 --> 00:00:50,466
Yeah, all right, it's complicated.
17
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:52,510
Obviously, I want my sister to get a job,
18
00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:54,887
but the second she does,
our mom becomes my problem.
19
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:58,307
So, I guess I'm hoping that if I say
"I'm rooting for ya" enough,
20
00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,392
I'll start to mean it.
21
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:02,270
Good luck, sister. I'm rooting for you.
22
00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:03,480
Suck my ass.
23
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:06,858
This is not the way to the office.
24
00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:08,317
Yeah, about that.
25
00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:11,612
Remember that time I asked
if you would guest lecture at my school,
26
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:13,489
and you said you'd rather spend time
with your son-in-law?
27
00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,909
- Yeah. That was a good one. [chuckles]
- It was. [laughs]
28
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,287
- Well, I took that as a yes.
- [sighs]
29
00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:20,746
You're kidnapping me?
30
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,206
Don't be so dramatic.
31
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:26,003
I'm borrowing you, against your will.
32
00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:29,006
- [Paul] Take me home.
- No.
33
00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:33,092
Derek, eating funnel cake
sort of defeats the purpose of hiking.
34
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,344
Well, maybe they shouldn't sell it
in the parking lot, Jimmy.
35
00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:36,679
Ignore him, honey.
36
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,015
Eat whatever you want
when you're exercising.
37
00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:41,350
Okay, if Liz is done making up
for her infidelity...
38
00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:42,518
I will strangle you.
39
00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:43,895
Charlie and I found a baby!
40
00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:46,814
- Oh! Hey! All right.
- [Derek cheers]
41
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:49,150
The mother is five months pregnant,
so we still have prep time.
42
00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:50,443
Plus, the baby's mixed race,
43
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:53,237
and I've already used it
as an excuse to cancel plans later.
44
00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:55,698
I've always wanted a mixed-race baby!
45
00:01:55,699 --> 00:01:57,074
That's true. She has.
46
00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:58,201
This is not your baby, Liz.
47
00:01:58,202 --> 00:01:59,577
I know.
48
00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:00,912
Well, I don't believe that.
49
00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:03,122
- You shouldn't.
- I wouldn't.
50
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:06,001
You know, our baby
doesn't like your attitude.
51
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:10,547
Sit your ass down, Paul.
52
00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:13,424
I would like to thank
Dr. Rhoades for coming.
53
00:02:13,425 --> 00:02:15,676
I wish he hadn't have said that
the world is already full of therapists
54
00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:18,304
and you all are wasting your time,
but he is who he is.
55
00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:20,098
Does anybody have any questions?
56
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:22,975
Noah?
57
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:26,230
Is cognitive behavioral therapy
better than humanistic therapy?
58
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,316
- Do I have to answer the stupid ones?
- Yeah.
59
00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:31,275
Great question.
60
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,819
My answer's yes.
61
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,320
Next?
62
00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:35,571
You. Be better.
63
00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:38,950
I read your book. Twice. You're a genius.
64
00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:40,076
Now we're cooking.
65
00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:42,119
- [chuckling]
- [Gaby] All right. Enough ass-kissing.
66
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,121
What's the most common issue
you see in your practice?
67
00:02:44,122 --> 00:02:46,415
Well, in my practice, it's...
68
00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:50,002
it's patients that can't seem
to get out of their own way.
69
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,964
They're stuck in problems
of their own creation.
70
00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:55,842
I do not love that you said
that last part directly to me.
71
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,635
But it does make me feel better
about doing this...
72
00:02:57,636 --> 00:03:00,388
[clicks tongue] Did everybody
bring their copy of Dr. Rhoades's book?
73
00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:01,389
[students] Yes.
74
00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:02,641
Let's do it!
75
00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:06,477
[chuckles] Check it out.
It's a room full of Pauls.
76
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:08,229
I'm gonna frame this in my office.
77
00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:09,690
I don't give a shit.
78
00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,984
I love this.
79
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:16,362
Okay. I will see your Skittles
80
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:20,784
and I will raise you
three pink Starbursts.
81
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:22,536
Too rich for me.
82
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,121
I call.
83
00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:26,247
Three queens. Whatcha got?
84
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:27,456
Boom!
85
00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:28,541
Nothing.
86
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,042
How'd you know I was bluffing? [sighs]
87
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,169
[Jorge] You have the weirdest tell.
88
00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,379
Every time you realize
I'm about to beat you,
89
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:34,755
you look proud of me.
90
00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:36,716
Poker's hard. I am proud of you.
91
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:39,343
[groans] Jorge used to clean me out
in the barracks.
92
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:40,636
Yeah, 'cause you can't gamble
for shit, bro.
93
00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:41,971
[all laughing]
94
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:45,266
It's good to see you laugh, man.
How... how you been feeling?
95
00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:46,475
Good.
96
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,686
Staying with my boy the last few weeks
and working at the truck
97
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:51,189
helped me realize I was just missing
a routine, you know?
98
00:03:51,190 --> 00:03:52,274
Hmm.
99
00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:53,816
I'm grateful.
100
00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:56,570
Somebody did it for me.
Just passing it on.
101
00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:00,615
Let's not get emotional, guys.
102
00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:03,117
- I'm fine.
- I'm talking about me, Sean.
103
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:05,120
We got beer, men, cards. Somebody deal.
104
00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:27,558
- Hi. Hi.
- [Summer] Hi.
105
00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:29,560
You're coming with me to pizza tonight.
106
00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,729
No, I already ate.
107
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:34,774
Plus, I just did my skincare
and took a gummy.
108
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,192
Come on.
109
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,361
I have only hung out with this guy once.
110
00:04:38,362 --> 00:04:40,696
What if he, like, ties me up
and throws me in his trunk?
111
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,031
That's hot.
112
00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:43,950
- [chuckles]
- Okay, I'll come.
113
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,369
But we're getting a hundred garlic knots.
114
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:47,453
Okay, perfect.
115
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,622
Love you. See you soon.
116
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,751
- Hey. You one of Sean's buddies?
- Hi.
117
00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,002
The game's out back.
118
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:57,589
Oh, no, I'm actually, uh,
going to take Alice for pizza.
119
00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:00,175
Oh, are ya?
120
00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:04,596
It's just, uh,
you got a face of a full-grown dude.
121
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:06,097
What are you? Like, 37?
122
00:05:06,098 --> 00:05:07,598
No, sir. I'm 17.
123
00:05:07,599 --> 00:05:09,267
Wow. [breathes deeply]
124
00:05:09,268 --> 00:05:10,518
I'm Dylan, by the way.
125
00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:12,521
No shit! You're the Dyl-pickle.
126
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,439
Sorry, that's a nickname
I made up to tease Alice
127
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:16,608
so I could have sex with her mom.
128
00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:18,192
Why are you telling me this?
129
00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:19,570
I wish I knew, pal.
130
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:23,364
You know what, you surprised me, Dylan.
Uh, so I just gotta regroup.
131
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,449
[clears throat]
132
00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:27,618
It's actually a little late
to be heading out for pizza.
133
00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:28,995
It's, uh, 8:30.
134
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,872
No, that's a good pizza time.
[breathes deeply]
135
00:05:30,873 --> 00:05:34,667
Okay. I'm gonna lay out
a few ground rules for ya. [grunts]
136
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:35,752
Cool.
137
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:38,839
[chokes]
138
00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:41,967
[chuckles, chokes]
139
00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:44,303
You okay?
140
00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:46,888
[choking]
141
00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:48,222
[groaning]
142
00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:49,516
Sir?
143
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,395
You good?
144
00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,941
- Sir, can I help?
- [choking]
145
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,070
Please.
146
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:04,780
Okay, here we go.
147
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:05,991
[grunting]
148
00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:08,160
[Sean] Holy shit!
149
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:10,662
[panting]
150
00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:19,587
So, first off, no drinking. [pants]
151
00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:23,174
And, second of all, if it's gonna
be past midnight, you have her call me.
152
00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:24,258
Okay.
153
00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:25,969
I think I'm gonna go wait for Alice
in the car.
154
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,263
It's nice to meet you.
155
00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:30,724
- Feel better.
- [stammers, pants]
156
00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:34,060
He's gonna use the fact
that he saved my life
157
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,561
to try to have sex with Alice, isn't he?
158
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:36,939
- I would.
- Definitely, bro.
159
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:41,026
Yeah. This would be a lot easier
if I hadn't felt his dick in my back.
160
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:45,197
["Frightening Fishes"
by Benjamin Gibbard playing]
161
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:15,018
{\an8}So, when it happened, did you see Jesus?
162
00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:18,272
{\an8}No, but I think my nana was there.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
163
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:20,482
{\an8}Did Dylan save your life?
164
00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:22,525
{\an8}I wouldn't say that, no.
165
00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:26,821
{\an8}I was about to dislodge the grape,
so I think he helped me save my own life.
166
00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:29,032
{\an8}- Back me up, Sean.
- Mmm. He definitely saved your life.
167
00:07:29,992 --> 00:07:32,744
{\an8}- What, am I supposed to lie?
- Yes, Sean. Sometimes we lie.
168
00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:37,290
{\an8}Did you also call him Dyl-pickle
and say he had a full-grown dude face?
169
00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:38,917
{\an8}He did have a full-grown dude face.
170
00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:43,671
{\an8}Look, are we certain that "Dylan"
is not a full-grown man
171
00:07:43,672 --> 00:07:44,797
{\an8}- with a family...
- Oh, my God.
172
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:47,550
{\an8}...who is trying to make it
as a high-school sports star?
173
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:49,927
{\an8}I saw a documentary, kid.
These things happen.
174
00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:53,264
{\an8}[sighs] Look, I was just thrown, okay?
175
00:07:53,265 --> 00:07:56,017
{\an8}I... I didn't know you were seeing anybody.
176
00:07:56,018 --> 00:07:58,895
{\an8}I literally hung out with him, like, once.
I haven't told anyone.
177
00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:01,147
{\an8}- Told me.
- Sometimes we lie, Sean.
178
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,815
{\an8}At this point, I'm just having fun.
179
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,944
{\an8}Fine. Last week, he invited me
to a dance at his school.
180
00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:09,822
{\an8}It's time I reenter the world, okay?
So, I'm gonna go.
181
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:13,618
{\an8}Oh, my gosh. That's great.
I'm... I'm proud of you.
182
00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:16,329
{\an8}Also, Dylan's parents are letting
other parents over to their house
183
00:08:16,330 --> 00:08:19,207
{\an8}to take embarrassing photos,
but due to recent events,
184
00:08:19,208 --> 00:08:20,791
{\an8}I'm sure you understand
why you're not invited.
185
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:21,877
{\an8}I do.
186
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,881
{\an8}What if I promise not to eat any snacks
wider than my esophagus?
187
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:28,091
{\an8}- See you, Dad.
- [chuckles]
188
00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:30,469
{\an8}Hey, I love you.
189
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,345
{\an8}[Jimmy] I mean, I'm happy for her.
190
00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:33,888
I'm just kind of bummed
she didn't tell me.
191
00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:35,431
Jimmy, that has nothing to do with you.
192
00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:37,266
When I was her age,
I didn't tell my dad jack
193
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,185
'cause I was getting into
so much debaucherous shit.
194
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,187
Like, uh, the last dance
I was at in high school--
195
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,772
Is there anything I can do to keep you
196
00:08:42,773 --> 00:08:44,815
- from telling me this story?
- There just isn't.
197
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:46,317
I got so shwasted
198
00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:48,945
and I gave such a powerful hand job
that I ended up spraining my wrist
199
00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:50,530
and had to wear a brace to graduation.
200
00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:53,075
- Proud moment for your family.
- [Jimmy chuckles]
201
00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:59,080
Look, I've spent way too much time
listening to you shitting on yourself,
202
00:08:59,081 --> 00:09:00,999
so I want you to hear this:
203
00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:06,045
Alice asserting her independence
means you did good.
204
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:06,963
Hmm.
205
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:10,633
Now, the hard part for you is figuring out
how to let her separate
206
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:12,177
without making her feel guilty.
207
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:16,223
If you can manage to do that,
then when she really needs something,
208
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:20,143
there's a chance
that you'll be the one she calls.
209
00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:22,437
I can do that.
210
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:23,897
Good.
211
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,607
I'm sorry, Gaby, I have to know.
212
00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:29,110
If you sprained your wrist,
what happened to this poor kid's penis?
213
00:09:29,111 --> 00:09:31,113
He had to wear a brace
to graduation as well.
214
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:34,657
What's up, Big Bird, Dr. Grumps?
215
00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:35,867
Nope.
216
00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:37,577
Hey. Is everything okay?
217
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,245
Uh, yeah.
218
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,081
I finally figured out my work sitch.
219
00:09:41,874 --> 00:09:45,585
I'm joining the army.
I actually report in a week.
220
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:48,297
A week? And where did you get that idea?
221
00:09:50,549 --> 00:09:53,467
[Gaby] Oh, hell no. Lunchtime is over.
222
00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:55,678
You guys, get out of the truck.
223
00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:57,388
Sorry, this is actually
not about the food.
224
00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:58,473
This is an outside issue.
225
00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:00,558
Out!
226
00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:02,435
- Thanks for meeting at my office.
- [clears throat]
227
00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:04,270
Charlie's a management consultant.
228
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,022
[chuckles] No one even knows what he does.
229
00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:08,691
- [Charlie chuckles]
- I assume he assesses companies
230
00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:12,153
and then consults on strategies
to improve on system efficiency?
231
00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:13,363
Exactly.
232
00:10:14,698 --> 00:10:17,742
- Are you two fucking?
- [chuckles] Why would you even say that?
233
00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,827
Focus, Stuart. Let's talk baby.
234
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:22,205
So, we definitely want to be
called to the hospital for the birth.
235
00:10:22,206 --> 00:10:23,289
Ooh.
236
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:26,042
Maybe we can get a police escort
so we can speed.
237
00:10:26,043 --> 00:10:27,919
I'm loving this enthusiasm.
238
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,087
The mother really
responded to your brochure.
239
00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:32,965
So you two are definitely in the mix.
240
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,468
- In the mix?
- What?
241
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:37,678
So, we're just an Oscar nominee?
We're Glenn fucking Close?
242
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,723
It's between you and a straight couple.
243
00:10:40,724 --> 00:10:41,974
Tragic, I know.
244
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,478
The mom just wants to meet everyone,
so think of it as a first date.
245
00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:46,646
How is that helpful?
246
00:10:46,647 --> 00:10:48,899
I screwed up every first date
I ever went on.
247
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:50,441
I'm a lot.
248
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,361
Really? I hadn't noticed.
249
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:53,904
Wow.
250
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:56,113
Jimmy, I need your help.
251
00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:57,281
Oh, sorry.
252
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:58,908
I always forget
he actually does work here.
253
00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:01,077
It's okay. We're not really
getting anywhere today.
254
00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:03,120
Calm down, Steven.
We started two minutes ago.
255
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:04,705
Brian, get out.
256
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:07,750
No, this is an emergency.
I need you to help me not be me.
257
00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:09,336
[groans] Same.
258
00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:12,755
[Gaby] How about the next time
my sister asks you for a sandwich,
259
00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:15,591
instead of G.I. Janeing her,
you actually give her a sandwich.
260
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:16,801
I mean, she did get a sandwich.
261
00:11:16,802 --> 00:11:19,095
Gabs, I really wanna do this.
262
00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:21,597
I-I don't wanna get some dumb job
around here.
263
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,140
I wanna see the world.
264
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:24,851
Can I say something?
265
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:26,727
By all means, Sean's friend.
266
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,896
Please weigh in
on this important family issue.
267
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:31,274
I was where Courtney is and, look,
268
00:11:31,275 --> 00:11:34,652
I know it sounds corny,
but it helped me get my shit together.
269
00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:37,321
Now, I've got friends
I can count on forever.
270
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:38,407
Cool.
271
00:11:39,408 --> 00:11:41,993
But, Courtney, I just thought
that I'd have more time.
272
00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:43,870
I know I promised you
three months with Mom.
273
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:46,790
So, if you want me to wait,
there's another portal next year.
274
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:48,750
I'm not doing this without your blessing.
275
00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:53,796
Hold up. Is this the plan? Hmm?
276
00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:56,465
You guys become some
weirdo emotionally-manipulative platoon
277
00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:58,427
and just give me sad eyes until I cave in?
278
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:02,680
Damn it. It's working.
279
00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,056
[chuckles]
280
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,559
I'm really happy for you.
281
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,435
Thank you.
282
00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,020
I'll grab drinks to celebrate.
283
00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:10,230
I'll help.
284
00:12:12,441 --> 00:12:13,983
[mouthing words] I'm gonna fuck him.
285
00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:15,110
Really? In the shrimp truck?
286
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:21,991
Look at us doing good things
for the people we love.
287
00:12:21,992 --> 00:12:24,160
Not getting mad
at each other for meddling.
288
00:12:24,161 --> 00:12:26,747
- You are on my shit list.
- [sighs] Okay.
289
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:31,001
You think she's gonna be okay?
Like, seriously?
290
00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:32,878
I think she's gonna be great.
291
00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:40,801
I can't think of a single first date
or interview, or first anything,
292
00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:42,178
that didn't go horribly.
293
00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:44,765
You realize because Steven left early
I don't get paid, right?
294
00:12:45,516 --> 00:12:46,683
Focus.
295
00:12:47,226 --> 00:12:50,394
I don't know why everything
always goes south for me so quickly.
296
00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:51,813
I have thoughts.
297
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:53,815
I shouldn't have come here.
298
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,484
There's no way you can figure me out
quickly enough.
299
00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:57,610
I'm too complex.
300
00:12:57,611 --> 00:13:00,571
You grew up gay in Texas
with a conservative father,
301
00:13:00,572 --> 00:13:02,573
so you developed strategies to survive
302
00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:05,451
and now your defense mechanism
is to lash out when you meet people,
303
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,454
because you're afraid
that they'll reject you first.
304
00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:10,540
- Nuh-uh.
- [chuckles]
305
00:13:10,541 --> 00:13:12,166
Brian, look, Charlie humanizes you.
306
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:15,711
Maybe just let him do most,
if not all, of the talking.
307
00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:18,464
I'm not capable of going 45 minutes
without talking.
308
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:21,175
My record is three,
and I'd just gotten my tonsils out.
309
00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:25,012
Okay, you tell Charlie that when he sees
you falling into your defensive patterns,
310
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:26,389
he can lightly squeeze your arm.
311
00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:29,392
Now, that will be your cue
to just take a deep breath, reset,
312
00:13:29,393 --> 00:13:32,354
and say the exact opposite
of what you were about to say.
313
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,356
Got it.
314
00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:37,609
What is wrong with me?
315
00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:40,112
[chuckles] Nothing, buddy.
316
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:44,116
The people I worry about
are the ones who are stuck.
317
00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:45,951
That's not you.
318
00:13:47,077 --> 00:13:49,663
Look, man, I wish that you could
look at yourself through my eyes
319
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:52,124
and see just how far you've come.
320
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,836
Oh, my God.
Jimmy, are you good at your job?
321
00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,255
[chuckles] Yeah, sometimes.
322
00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:01,090
[inhales deeply] Arrogant. [sighs]
323
00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:03,343
Okay, now I gotta get a handle
on the baby part.
324
00:14:03,844 --> 00:14:06,429
Stuart said the mom could ask
a million questions about parenting.
325
00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:07,680
That I can't help you with.
326
00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:10,850
When Alice was a baby, I was more
of a "do what you're told" kind of dad.
327
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:13,937
[sighs] You know who we need to see.
328
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:15,771
No.
329
00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:18,941
You do what I say,
when I say, and how I say it.
330
00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,319
Oof. Is it weird
that I'm a little turned on? [laughs]
331
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:22,945
- Is this funny to you?
- [gasps]
332
00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:25,615
If you screw up getting us
this beautiful mixed baby,
333
00:14:25,616 --> 00:14:27,283
I will rip your dick off
334
00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:29,619
- and smack you in the face with it!
- Oh.
335
00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:30,704
[gasps]
336
00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:36,627
[groans]
337
00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:44,009
I hate all of you.
338
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:49,723
- [sighs] There you are.
- Hey.
339
00:14:50,224 --> 00:14:51,475
What's going on back there?
340
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:55,353
Oh, yeah. She's giving Brian
a crash course on all things baby.
341
00:14:55,354 --> 00:14:58,940
She's gonna wanna know
if you're doing formula or breast milk.
342
00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:01,734
- Ew.
- We don't say "ew" over breast milk.
343
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,653
Got it. It's disgusting,
but we don't say it.
344
00:15:03,654 --> 00:15:05,821
[chuckles] That reminds me
when Mom would feed you,
345
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:08,199
you would get
the cutest little breast milk mustache.
346
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,493
- I'm gonna skip past that.
- That's fair.
347
00:15:10,494 --> 00:15:12,078
I don't have a dress for tonight.
348
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:14,580
I mean, I have a hundred dresses,
and I love them all,
349
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,123
but I also hate them all.
You know what I mean?
350
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:18,793
I hear you.
That's why I no longer own shorts.
351
00:15:18,794 --> 00:15:21,504
I know I'm just anxious,
but can I get a new one?
352
00:15:21,505 --> 00:15:23,339
Yeah. Let's do it. I'll drive.
353
00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:26,760
Oh. I was just asking
if I can get your credit card?
354
00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:30,848
Course. Sure thing.
355
00:15:31,557 --> 00:15:33,766
- Here you go, kid.
- Wait. No speech?
356
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,394
No angling to come with?
357
00:15:36,019 --> 00:15:38,062
'Cause I want this so bad.
I'd let you sit in the parking lot.
358
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:40,732
- [chuckles]
- Nah. You got this.
359
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:43,110
- Thanks.
- Have fun.
360
00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,028
[sighs]
361
00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:47,530
Parking lot sounded sweet.
362
00:15:47,531 --> 00:15:48,948
- Right?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
363
00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:50,324
'Cause if they take longer
than five minutes,
364
00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:53,286
you can pretend you're
just stretching your legs and go in.
365
00:15:53,287 --> 00:15:54,287
- Spy on them.
- [laughs]
366
00:15:54,288 --> 00:15:56,497
- Yeah. Dad life.
- Yeah.
367
00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:58,457
Make your kid think
you don't care when you do.
368
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,209
- [sighs] Fuck yeah.
- Hmm.
369
00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:03,671
- We found out Matthew lost his job again...
- [clicks tongue]
370
00:16:03,672 --> 00:16:05,590
...and Liz and I, you know,
we want to comfort him,
371
00:16:05,591 --> 00:16:08,552
but we can't say anything
until he tells us himself.
372
00:16:09,553 --> 00:16:11,095
How do you not cave?
373
00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:14,349
Every time I feel tempted,
I just flick myself on the balls.
374
00:16:15,058 --> 00:16:16,476
- Right.
- Yeah.
375
00:16:17,269 --> 00:16:18,729
I'll find my own thing.
376
00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:21,231
Listen, the army's not my thing.
377
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:23,901
I don't love a bunk bed.
378
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:26,819
Does your mom
know your sister's leaving yet?
379
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:29,113
No. Courtney's telling her right now.
380
00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:34,077
Okay, well... I gotta do my stretches.
Dr. Sykes sent some new ones over.
381
00:16:35,954 --> 00:16:38,749
[laughs] Wait, twerking
helps with Parkinson's?
382
00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:41,585
I know you want me to get out of here,
but I'm not going to.
383
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:44,670
Do you think my mom's
gonna want to move in with me?
384
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:46,798
How would I know? I never met her.
385
00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:48,800
[grunts] Would you wanna live with Meg?
386
00:16:49,885 --> 00:16:51,594
I don't know. [sighs]
387
00:16:51,595 --> 00:16:52,888
Maybe someday.
388
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:57,350
The less time I have left on Earth,
389
00:16:57,351 --> 00:17:01,312
the more I think about being near my kid.
390
00:17:01,313 --> 00:17:04,107
Yeah, right, but I got a lot
going on right now, you know?
391
00:17:04,733 --> 00:17:07,276
Work, teaching, being a Dungeon Master.
392
00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:08,568
Is that a sex thing?
393
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:10,570
No, Paul. It's a Dungeons & Dragons thing.
394
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:12,656
But there is a new guy. He's cool.
395
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:13,866
I can't have my mom around
396
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,117
while I'm trying to take him
to the bone zone aka titty city.
397
00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:17,036
[chuckles]
398
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:19,079
How do I make her understand
that she'll be a lot happier
399
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,914
if I get her live-in help
and she stays at home?
400
00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:22,458
Look, this isn't about her.
401
00:17:22,459 --> 00:17:27,005
This is about setting boundaries.
And saying what you want.
402
00:17:27,923 --> 00:17:29,258
It'll be hard, but I'll do it.
403
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:31,425
What?
404
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:33,303
Look, kid,
I'm not taking a shot at you here.
405
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,555
But we are who we are.
406
00:17:35,556 --> 00:17:37,932
I'm a cranky old bastard
with a full head of hair,
407
00:17:37,933 --> 00:17:40,768
you're a lifelong caretaker.
408
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:43,438
The only person you're not good
at looking after is yourself.
409
00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:48,235
If your mom wants to move in with you,
I'm not sure you could say "no".
410
00:17:49,820 --> 00:17:50,988
I'm not sure I can either.
411
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,865
Want to sit with me
and pretend to punch people?
412
00:17:53,866 --> 00:17:54,949
Make you feel better.
413
00:17:54,950 --> 00:17:57,410
I gotta go,
but I love that for you. Get 'em.
414
00:17:57,411 --> 00:18:01,290
Dave. Dave. Dave.
415
00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:02,915
My dad.
416
00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:04,000
Dave.
417
00:18:04,001 --> 00:18:07,336
Paul can't know for sure.
He's not psychic.
418
00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:08,504
Right?
419
00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,757
All right, turn that ass around,
I want to see.
420
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:15,553
Hello, nurse. Hottie alert.
421
00:18:15,554 --> 00:18:17,222
You're sure it's not too,
422
00:18:17,723 --> 00:18:20,559
"Hey, I'm Alice,
and I'm showing off my secret big'uns."
423
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:22,810
What? You have them, too.
424
00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:25,271
Girl, please. These big'uns haven't
been a secret since the seventh grade.
425
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:27,315
- [laughs]
- I don't know.
426
00:18:27,316 --> 00:18:28,901
You look beautiful.
427
00:18:29,568 --> 00:18:30,568
Thanks.
428
00:18:30,569 --> 00:18:32,613
- And thanks for bringing me.
- Of course.
429
00:18:33,447 --> 00:18:34,781
Actually, there's something I want to say.
430
00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:38,868
I know that all that stuff happened
with Summer and Connor
431
00:18:38,869 --> 00:18:40,287
and that I wasn't there.
432
00:18:41,747 --> 00:18:44,540
I think it's safe to say
I probably shouldn't have bonked your dad.
433
00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:47,126
If you had asked, I would have said "run."
434
00:18:47,127 --> 00:18:49,046
[laughs] Well. You live and you learn.
435
00:18:49,630 --> 00:18:51,464
[smacks lips] But that is still no excuse.
436
00:18:51,465 --> 00:18:53,299
Gaby, stop it.
437
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,884
If I had needed you,
I would have blown up your phone,
438
00:18:54,885 --> 00:18:56,970
- and you would have been there.
- Always.
439
00:18:58,555 --> 00:19:00,933
- Right. Turn around, let me zip you up.
- Okay.
440
00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:13,779
You look like your mom.
441
00:19:16,073 --> 00:19:17,783
[sighs]
442
00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:20,409
All right, so how you feeling
about this dance, hmm?
443
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,245
The good thing is
he goes to a different school.
444
00:19:22,246 --> 00:19:25,164
So... [inhales deeply] ...I don't have
to be the girl with the dead mom.
445
00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:27,708
You know, I can just hide out
and be anonymous.
446
00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:29,461
You can be whoever you wanna be.
447
00:19:29,962 --> 00:19:32,046
In college, I was bisexual Gaby
for a semester
448
00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:33,507
until I decided cooters weren't for me.
449
00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:35,299
That sounds kinda fun.
450
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,427
It was, but vaginas are a lot.
451
00:19:38,512 --> 00:19:41,138
Anyway, you ready?
I'm gonna get this, this is on me.
452
00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:42,431
Oh, Dad gave me his credit card.
453
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:43,349
- What?
- Yeah.
454
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:46,103
Get whatever you want, he'll never know.
Hey, maybe I'll get me something.
455
00:19:46,854 --> 00:19:50,940
Oh, my God.
How about these "fuck me" boots.
456
00:19:50,941 --> 00:19:53,527
I like it. Let's just make sure
they don't call them that on the receipt.
457
00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:57,154
So, Brian and Charlie,
how did you two meet?
458
00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:59,574
Nonsexual role-playing? Seriously?
459
00:19:59,575 --> 00:20:02,535
Gestalt therapy uses role-playing
to help patients
460
00:20:02,536 --> 00:20:05,580
confront maladaptive behaviors
and you are no longer listening to me,
461
00:20:05,581 --> 00:20:06,664
so let's just do this.
462
00:20:06,665 --> 00:20:09,250
I'm back in character.
463
00:20:09,251 --> 00:20:12,420
- I ovulated, I'm with child.
- [Brian] Mmm.
464
00:20:12,421 --> 00:20:14,297
My breasts are voluptuous--
465
00:20:14,298 --> 00:20:15,464
Okay, Liz.
466
00:20:15,465 --> 00:20:18,677
I feel overwhelmed
at the thought of having a baby.
467
00:20:19,553 --> 00:20:21,137
Do you and your husband feel ready for it?
468
00:20:21,138 --> 00:20:22,555
That's a great question.
469
00:20:22,556 --> 00:20:24,056
Charlie, why don't you take this one?
470
00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:25,850
- Not the point of this exercise.
- [sighs]
471
00:20:25,851 --> 00:20:28,436
Are you guys gonna baby-proof the house?
472
00:20:28,437 --> 00:20:32,149
I'm so young and clueless,
when does a kid even walk?
473
00:20:32,983 --> 00:20:34,984
A week. A month?
474
00:20:34,985 --> 00:20:36,569
Trick question, some never do!
475
00:20:36,570 --> 00:20:38,738
- Jesus Christ.
- This is stupid.
476
00:20:38,739 --> 00:20:41,324
Liz, why don't you just tell me
what you'd want to hear
477
00:20:41,325 --> 00:20:42,742
if you were giving your baby up.
478
00:20:42,743 --> 00:20:47,163
I mean, obviously, I'd wanna hear
that you would love the baby so much.
479
00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:51,000
And don't pretend that you're
not gonna make mistakes. 'Cause you will.
480
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:55,630
Like, if you were desperate
for a daughter, but you had a third boy.
481
00:20:55,631 --> 00:20:57,924
So you didn't cut his hair,
and when people said,
482
00:20:57,925 --> 00:21:00,885
"Oh, what a beautiful girl,"
you didn't correct them.
483
00:21:00,886 --> 00:21:02,720
And maybe you pierced his baby ears.
484
00:21:02,721 --> 00:21:06,015
Look, you're gonna
do everything for your kid.
485
00:21:06,016 --> 00:21:07,684
And you know what your reward is?
486
00:21:08,727 --> 00:21:11,396
They grow up and reject you.
'Cause they're assholes.
487
00:21:12,105 --> 00:21:14,857
And then you have
to find a way to be happy
488
00:21:14,858 --> 00:21:16,610
that they can stand on their own two feet.
489
00:21:17,778 --> 00:21:18,946
And that is not easy.
490
00:21:19,530 --> 00:21:22,114
But I think what I would
like to hear the most
491
00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:25,910
is that even if people keep reminding you
492
00:21:25,911 --> 00:21:29,206
that your life shouldn't
revolve around your child,
493
00:21:29,915 --> 00:21:33,544
from the moment
they put that baby in your arms
494
00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:39,090
and you see the trust in his eyes,
you just know in your heart
495
00:21:39,091 --> 00:21:42,009
that it's the most important thing
that you'll ever do.
496
00:21:42,010 --> 00:21:43,387
[chuckles]
497
00:21:44,137 --> 00:21:45,138
Just say that.
498
00:21:46,515 --> 00:21:47,598
Oh, shit. I gotta go.
499
00:21:47,599 --> 00:21:49,267
Alice is going to that dance later,
500
00:21:49,268 --> 00:21:51,602
and I got to pretend to be "resting"
in the living room
501
00:21:51,603 --> 00:21:53,522
so I can catch her before she takes off.
502
00:21:54,398 --> 00:21:55,858
- You wanna hug?
- Mm-hmm.
503
00:21:57,192 --> 00:21:58,944
If you blow this for me,
504
00:21:59,444 --> 00:22:01,904
I'll make Charlie give me a baby
the old fashioned way.
505
00:22:01,905 --> 00:22:03,031
[Brian] I know.
506
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:06,743
[snoring]
507
00:22:07,244 --> 00:22:08,661
You know you just missed her, right?
508
00:22:08,662 --> 00:22:09,580
Damn it.
509
00:22:10,247 --> 00:22:11,330
Don't worry.
510
00:22:11,331 --> 00:22:12,748
I gave Dylan the dad speech.
511
00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,333
I think it was a bit
more effective coming from me,
512
00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:16,752
seeing as how I don't owe the guy my life.
513
00:22:16,753 --> 00:22:20,715
Sean. He loosened the grape
so that I could calmly spit it out
514
00:22:20,716 --> 00:22:22,550
and I do not want to talk
about this anymore.
515
00:22:22,551 --> 00:22:23,594
Yeah, I know, buddy.
516
00:22:24,344 --> 00:22:27,680
Hey, I snuck a picture of Alice
in her dress for you. You wanna see?
517
00:22:27,681 --> 00:22:29,808
- Oh, my gosh. Yes.
- [chuckles]
518
00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:31,977
[sighs]
519
00:22:35,564 --> 00:22:37,607
She ain't here, man. You can say it.
520
00:22:37,608 --> 00:22:38,984
She's a princess.
521
00:22:40,485 --> 00:22:43,821
So, Paul, you and Julie got any cool,
sexy plans tonight?
522
00:22:43,822 --> 00:22:46,782
No. She's got, uh, kickboxing.
523
00:22:46,783 --> 00:22:50,329
Holy cow. She kickboxes too?
That's how she gets those legs. Mmm.
524
00:22:51,330 --> 00:22:54,540
Look, Paul. I know that you believe
that I can't lay down the law with my mom,
525
00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:57,835
but I'll have you know
I'm a lot stronger than you think.
526
00:22:57,836 --> 00:23:00,714
Plus, I got a ton of great people
in my life that will help me through it.
527
00:23:01,298 --> 00:23:02,633
Whether they want to or not.
528
00:23:04,551 --> 00:23:06,177
You're not taking me home, are you?
529
00:23:06,178 --> 00:23:07,262
Not your home.
530
00:23:08,597 --> 00:23:09,598
Goddamn it.
531
00:23:11,642 --> 00:23:14,018
I suggested that we meet here
'cause it's closer to where she works.
532
00:23:14,019 --> 00:23:16,896
Plus, this way, when I faint,
there are three people to help catch me.
533
00:23:16,897 --> 00:23:17,980
Thank you.
534
00:23:17,981 --> 00:23:19,649
- That's mine.
- It's mine now, thank you.
535
00:23:19,650 --> 00:23:20,983
- [phone rings]
- [Brian clears throat]
536
00:23:20,984 --> 00:23:22,944
Ooh. It's Matthew.
537
00:23:22,945 --> 00:23:25,780
Finally calling to tell me
he got shitcanned.
538
00:23:25,781 --> 00:23:26,865
Little fucker.
539
00:23:27,491 --> 00:23:30,034
- Hey, sweetie. How are you?
- [scoffs]
540
00:23:30,035 --> 00:23:31,911
Oh, no.
541
00:23:31,912 --> 00:23:36,959
[gasps] But you were the best manager
Buffalo Wild Wings ever had.
542
00:23:37,459 --> 00:23:40,586
Bu... Where is she going?
And why would he work there?
543
00:23:40,587 --> 00:23:42,631
Don't panic. We got you.
544
00:23:43,882 --> 00:23:44,925
[phone buzzes]
545
00:23:47,928 --> 00:23:49,428
Hey, sweetie. [stammers] Everything okay?
546
00:23:49,429 --> 00:23:52,223
Yeah. We ended up ditching the dance.
547
00:23:52,224 --> 00:23:54,142
I'm at an after-party at Dylan's.
548
00:23:55,060 --> 00:23:57,353
He lives right by that kid
from my fourth-grade class
549
00:23:57,354 --> 00:23:59,730
who was kosher
and you accidentally fed him bacon.
550
00:23:59,731 --> 00:24:02,233
Best day of Zack Bornstein's life.
551
00:24:02,234 --> 00:24:03,317
It's just...
552
00:24:03,318 --> 00:24:05,571
I'm fine, but can you meet me
on that corner?
553
00:24:07,281 --> 00:24:08,365
I'm on my way.
554
00:24:10,117 --> 00:24:11,743
What? No, no, no, no. No, no.
555
00:24:13,245 --> 00:24:14,746
- I have to.
- [sighs]
556
00:24:16,456 --> 00:24:17,582
Oh. Wow.
557
00:24:17,583 --> 00:24:19,208
I'm Ava.
558
00:24:19,209 --> 00:24:21,711
Sorry that I'm late,
the restaurant got slammed.
559
00:24:21,712 --> 00:24:24,756
It's okay. You are gonna love them.
Enjoy my house.
560
00:24:25,549 --> 00:24:26,758
Wait...
561
00:24:29,303 --> 00:24:34,765
Ooh. This is fancy. Love this. Oh.
562
00:24:34,766 --> 00:24:36,017
- [chuckles]
- [Gaby] Oh, yes.
563
00:24:36,018 --> 00:24:38,895
Mom, this is Paul.
Paul, this is my mother Phyllis.
564
00:24:38,896 --> 00:24:40,771
- I've told her a lot about you.
- Hi.
565
00:24:40,772 --> 00:24:42,273
How nice to meet you.
566
00:24:42,274 --> 00:24:44,525
Oh, he doesn't seem
like he's in love with himself.
567
00:24:44,526 --> 00:24:46,611
- Just give him a minute.
- Your daughter's amazing.
568
00:24:46,612 --> 00:24:49,739
I'm honored to call her a colleague
and a friend.
569
00:24:49,740 --> 00:24:52,783
[chuckles] She's lucky
to have you as a mentor.
570
00:24:52,784 --> 00:24:54,702
Extremely lucky.
571
00:24:54,703 --> 00:24:55,828
Now I see it.
572
00:24:55,829 --> 00:24:56,913
Mm-hmm.
573
00:24:56,914 --> 00:25:01,126
So look, um, Mom.
There's something that we need to discuss.
574
00:25:01,877 --> 00:25:03,085
Y'all a couple or something?
575
00:25:03,086 --> 00:25:05,630
[laughs] I-I'm spoken for.
576
00:25:05,631 --> 00:25:07,131
- Oh. Oh, okay.
- No.
577
00:25:07,132 --> 00:25:08,591
- [chuckles] No.
- Well, what's going on?
578
00:25:08,592 --> 00:25:09,759
Um.
579
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:12,970
[stammers] So... So,
the thing with Courtney leaving--
580
00:25:12,971 --> 00:25:15,139
Okay, okay, okay.
Hold on. I just got here, baby.
581
00:25:15,140 --> 00:25:17,183
I haven't even seen
the rest of your place yet.
582
00:25:17,184 --> 00:25:19,520
And I wanna see
which bedroom gonna be mine.
583
00:25:23,607 --> 00:25:25,233
You'll love the room
at the end of the hall,
584
00:25:25,234 --> 00:25:26,400
it's got a ton of great light.
585
00:25:26,401 --> 00:25:28,736
Oh! Light is good. Where is it? Down here?
586
00:25:28,737 --> 00:25:30,489
- Just that way.
- Okay.
587
00:25:31,073 --> 00:25:32,573
[chuckles, snorts]
588
00:25:32,574 --> 00:25:35,827
Don't beat yourself up.
You're a good daughter.
589
00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:38,622
Maybe she'll remarry one day.
590
00:25:43,877 --> 00:25:44,753
[Ava] Okay.
591
00:25:45,254 --> 00:25:46,379
- [sighs]
- [chuckles]
592
00:25:46,380 --> 00:25:50,424
Not to be awkward,
but, um... I'm half-Japanese.
593
00:25:50,425 --> 00:25:52,301
- The father...
- Japanese.
594
00:25:52,302 --> 00:25:53,595
Score. [chuckles]
595
00:25:54,388 --> 00:25:56,557
- Not that it matters. Here's your water.
- Thanks.
596
00:25:58,642 --> 00:26:03,396
I've never had a meeting like this before
so I don't know where to start.
597
00:26:03,397 --> 00:26:04,730
Well, you can start at the beginning.
598
00:26:04,731 --> 00:26:05,898
Okay. [laughs]
599
00:26:05,899 --> 00:26:07,901
Sure. Yeah, yeah. Um.
600
00:26:08,694 --> 00:26:10,194
Boom. Boom.
601
00:26:10,195 --> 00:26:13,656
Uh... So, how did you get preggers?
602
00:26:13,657 --> 00:26:14,867
Nope.
603
00:26:15,617 --> 00:26:16,826
[trills lips] Forget I said that.
604
00:26:16,827 --> 00:26:19,120
[chuckles] In fact let's just hit rewind.
605
00:26:19,121 --> 00:26:20,747
[imitates rewinding]
606
00:26:23,458 --> 00:26:24,792
- [chuckles]
- Uh, wait,
607
00:26:24,793 --> 00:26:26,128
where the hell's my coffee cup?
608
00:26:27,379 --> 00:26:28,629
You saw me throw it in here, right?
609
00:26:28,630 --> 00:26:31,507
[inhales deeply] What!
How did this happen?
610
00:26:31,508 --> 00:26:33,719
Did I miss? Oh, my gosh.
611
00:26:34,469 --> 00:26:36,637
Am I losing my mind?
What kind of black hole...
612
00:26:36,638 --> 00:26:38,390
Well, that's not even empty.
613
00:26:39,141 --> 00:26:40,225
That's... Oh!
614
00:26:41,143 --> 00:26:43,854
Check this out.
It got stuck between the two bins.
615
00:26:44,354 --> 00:26:47,231
That is crazy,
I thought I was going absolutely nuts--
616
00:26:47,232 --> 00:26:49,609
Stop. Breathe.
617
00:26:49,610 --> 00:26:51,653
[sighs]
618
00:26:52,321 --> 00:26:53,947
Yeah, um... [chuckles]
619
00:26:54,698 --> 00:26:57,158
- Can I start again? I'm just nervous.
- [chuckles]
620
00:26:57,159 --> 00:26:59,785
[chuckles] I am... Me too.
621
00:26:59,786 --> 00:27:00,913
[chuckles]
622
00:27:02,456 --> 00:27:05,918
[stammers] Have you always known
that you wanted to be parents?
623
00:27:07,961 --> 00:27:12,049
If I'm being honest, um,
it's been a journey for us.
624
00:27:12,633 --> 00:27:14,759
I was terrified. [chuckles]
625
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:15,844
Not Charlie.
626
00:27:17,221 --> 00:27:18,555
He was born for this.
627
00:27:20,265 --> 00:27:22,183
- How are you feeling now?
- Better.
628
00:27:22,184 --> 00:27:23,518
[chuckles]
629
00:27:23,519 --> 00:27:25,520
I've still got a lot to learn.
630
00:27:25,521 --> 00:27:30,441
But I do know that it takes a village.
631
00:27:30,442 --> 00:27:31,359
[sighs]
632
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,362
That's actually
why I wanted you to meet us here.
633
00:27:34,071 --> 00:27:36,322
We wanted you to see
all the great people in our life
634
00:27:36,323 --> 00:27:39,493
who would be in this baby's life.
635
00:27:40,077 --> 00:27:42,119
Like if I don't know
where the soft spot is,
636
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:44,790
I know that the village will.
637
00:27:46,834 --> 00:27:47,917
Why aren't you squeezing my arm?
638
00:27:47,918 --> 00:27:49,253
Because you're doing great.
639
00:27:50,546 --> 00:27:52,214
[sighs]
640
00:27:52,714 --> 00:27:54,507
The only reason my friends
aren't here right now
641
00:27:54,508 --> 00:27:57,636
is because they put their kids first.
642
00:27:59,137 --> 00:28:01,181
And that's the type of parents
we wanna be.
643
00:28:01,682 --> 00:28:04,017
[inhales deeply]
That's really great to hear.
644
00:28:04,601 --> 00:28:08,020
Um, I actually have a couple
more questions that I scribbled down.
645
00:28:08,021 --> 00:28:10,022
Oh, my God. Brian, look.
646
00:28:10,023 --> 00:28:12,859
[chuckles] I-I've been collecting these
since I was a kid.
647
00:28:12,860 --> 00:28:15,862
I just love their dumb hair.
It's so... [hums]
648
00:28:15,863 --> 00:28:17,154
- [all chuckle]
- Me too.
649
00:28:17,155 --> 00:28:18,531
I used to put on shows with them.
650
00:28:18,532 --> 00:28:21,993
- What?
- Guys and Trolls, Evita...
651
00:28:21,994 --> 00:28:23,661
Musicals are like my jam.
652
00:28:23,662 --> 00:28:25,205
- Okay. Well...
- [Ava chuckles]
653
00:28:25,873 --> 00:28:27,415
...now I know
you're the mother of our child.
654
00:28:27,416 --> 00:28:29,209
[all laughing]
655
00:28:29,918 --> 00:28:31,169
- Can I see it?
- Of course.
656
00:28:31,170 --> 00:28:32,963
Oh, my God. Look at this.
657
00:28:47,603 --> 00:28:49,813
- [groans, sighs] Hey.
- Hey.
658
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:51,523
What's going on?
659
00:28:52,107 --> 00:28:53,609
I just needed a minute. [sighs]
660
00:28:54,109 --> 00:28:57,070
I told Dylan I was talking Summer down
from some bad molly.
661
00:28:57,654 --> 00:28:58,697
Good lie.
662
00:28:59,364 --> 00:29:00,574
Frighteningly specific.
663
00:29:01,617 --> 00:29:02,993
You wanna tell me what's really up?
664
00:29:03,577 --> 00:29:04,702
We were just hanging out,
665
00:29:04,703 --> 00:29:07,538
and someone recognized me
from "cheater cheater bitch".
666
00:29:07,539 --> 00:29:09,123
And then they read through some comments
667
00:29:09,124 --> 00:29:13,629
and just like that,
I'm "the girl with the dead mom" again.
668
00:29:14,796 --> 00:29:16,006
[clicks tongue] Ah, man.
669
00:29:18,091 --> 00:29:19,760
Is it always gonna be like this?
670
00:29:21,803 --> 00:29:23,180
I'm afraid so.
671
00:29:24,056 --> 00:29:25,139
Awesome.
672
00:29:25,140 --> 00:29:27,267
I do think it's gonna get easier
with time.
673
00:29:28,310 --> 00:29:29,811
Like when you go off to college.
674
00:29:31,730 --> 00:29:34,900
Unless, of course, you wanna do college
here and just live with me forever?
675
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:37,361
[chuckles]
676
00:29:39,863 --> 00:29:40,864
You want me to drive you home?
677
00:29:41,657 --> 00:29:42,658
No.
678
00:29:43,450 --> 00:29:44,993
No, I don't wanna hide anymore.
679
00:29:45,494 --> 00:29:47,453
I just want people
to stop feeling sorry for me.
680
00:29:47,454 --> 00:29:49,039
[sighs]
681
00:29:49,540 --> 00:29:52,500
Do you know why, um,
I tell people I have "dead wife face"?
682
00:29:52,501 --> 00:29:53,877
Because you do?
683
00:29:54,503 --> 00:29:55,712
Uh, partly.
684
00:29:57,381 --> 00:29:59,216
But also 'cause it's almost funny.
685
00:30:00,467 --> 00:30:03,469
So it lets people know they don't have
to walk on eggshells around me.
686
00:30:03,470 --> 00:30:06,639
It doesn't always work,
but... [inhales deeply]
687
00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:10,477
...makes me feel like
I have some ownership over it.
688
00:30:14,356 --> 00:30:15,524
I'm gonna go back inside.
689
00:30:16,316 --> 00:30:17,317
Good.
690
00:30:20,946 --> 00:30:22,781
Promise me you won't drive by
and check-in.
691
00:30:23,740 --> 00:30:24,741
I promise.
692
00:30:25,492 --> 00:30:26,493
Show me your hands.
693
00:30:28,537 --> 00:30:29,538
Okay.
694
00:30:40,048 --> 00:30:40,882
[Gaby] Mmm.
695
00:30:40,883 --> 00:30:43,426
So your mom is just gonna live
in your guest room?
696
00:30:43,427 --> 00:30:44,510
- No, uh...
- [Brian] Derek.
697
00:30:44,511 --> 00:30:46,512
...she said the bed
in my guest room's too soft.
698
00:30:46,513 --> 00:30:48,681
The sofa bed in my office is too hard.
699
00:30:48,682 --> 00:30:51,350
Now, I guess her Goldilocks ass
is going to sleep in my room
700
00:30:51,351 --> 00:30:53,227
which apparently is "just fucking right".
701
00:30:53,228 --> 00:30:54,521
[all laughing]
702
00:30:55,147 --> 00:30:56,731
You know, when Derek's mom comes to town,
703
00:30:56,732 --> 00:30:59,483
she has to stay 2,000 feet away
from our home at all times.
704
00:30:59,484 --> 00:31:01,027
Same rules as sex offenders.
705
00:31:01,028 --> 00:31:02,737
They do not mesh.
706
00:31:02,738 --> 00:31:05,573
I'm sorry, baby.
[stutters] I'll work on it if you want.
707
00:31:05,574 --> 00:31:06,574
- [Derek laughs]
- [phone buzzes]
708
00:31:06,575 --> 00:31:09,077
"I can work on it if you want?"
Who is this lady?
709
00:31:09,703 --> 00:31:10,578
I'm nice now.
710
00:31:10,579 --> 00:31:11,663
Whoa.
711
00:31:14,208 --> 00:31:15,249
Hello, Stuart.
712
00:31:15,250 --> 00:31:17,084
- So you said 2,000 feet away?
- Yeah.
713
00:31:17,085 --> 00:31:19,086
Damn. You got her on a registry
or something?
714
00:31:19,087 --> 00:31:22,174
Can you be on a registry
if you emotionally abuse children?
715
00:31:22,883 --> 00:31:23,884
Okay.
716
00:31:25,469 --> 00:31:27,179
Yeah, we-we'll talk tomorrow.
717
00:31:28,889 --> 00:31:29,973
What? What did he say? What?
718
00:31:32,351 --> 00:31:33,602
She went with the other couple.
719
00:31:34,686 --> 00:31:36,604
- Seriously?
- [Gaby] Aw, guys.
720
00:31:36,605 --> 00:31:40,316
You know, I never thought I'd say this,
but fuck that pregnant bitch.
721
00:31:40,317 --> 00:31:42,485
I've actually heard you say that,
like, six or seven times.
722
00:31:42,486 --> 00:31:43,570
Yeah.
723
00:31:44,738 --> 00:31:45,989
I really thought she'd pick us.
724
00:31:47,616 --> 00:31:49,700
Why-Why... [scoffs]
Why are you looking at me like that?
725
00:31:49,701 --> 00:31:53,121
You don't know how much it means to me
to see how disappointed you are.
726
00:31:55,374 --> 00:31:56,624
So you're happy that I'm sad?
727
00:31:56,625 --> 00:31:57,834
What the fuck?
728
00:31:57,835 --> 00:31:59,460
[Liz] Yeah. Do better, Charlie.
729
00:31:59,461 --> 00:32:01,546
Honestly, I thought y'all were
both on board with that little...
730
00:32:01,547 --> 00:32:03,715
Welcome to the club, buddy. [chuckles]
731
00:32:06,718 --> 00:32:09,804
Like, my mom was being
such a bitch about curfew.
732
00:32:09,805 --> 00:32:13,474
Like, sometimes, I honestly just wish
she would disappear forever.
733
00:32:13,475 --> 00:32:14,934
[clears throat]
734
00:32:14,935 --> 00:32:18,063
Oh, I can't believe I just said that.
735
00:32:18,647 --> 00:32:20,356
Oh, my God. Look at you, you hate me.
736
00:32:20,357 --> 00:32:21,900
No, I'm fine.
737
00:32:22,693 --> 00:32:23,943
I just have dead mom face.
738
00:32:23,944 --> 00:32:25,404
[both chuckle]
739
00:32:26,488 --> 00:32:28,656
- That was a good one.
- [partygoer chuckles]
740
00:32:28,657 --> 00:32:32,035
No, really, like... Yeah, well, anyway, so...
741
00:32:41,044 --> 00:32:42,045
[mouthing words] Thank you.